Here to Stay

As I danced among the waves late last night on a barren beach, I was hit with the reality that I am back to stay. This summer is not just a long vacation and I will not soon be heading home to Uganda. I literally stumbled and fell on the beach as this realization hit my heart. My head has known all along but my heart always lags behind.

Week after week of military training has begun to wear me down to the core. I anxiously look forward to the end. But at the end, I will just move on to one more couch, borrowed bed. I miss my own home. My little cottage in Uganda where I could escape too.

As I played with my nephews this weekend, my arms ached to be holding my African babies so far away. Often people ask if I have someone who updates me on how the babies are doing....I don't. As much as I long to hear about each one, I know that it would just kill me to know that anything has happened to them. I confess to wanting to live in a fairytale of pretending nothing there will change while I am gone. I don't want to know if one has died or if more have joined the babies home.

I could write endlessly. My head and heart seems to journey further away each day. I am overwhelmed and sinking with all that I have yet to deal with and grieve. I feel myself pulling away from everyone around me. I see it happening and yet don't know how to stop it. I want to scream at each one who complains, gossips, worries over little things....and yet I find myself getting pulled into these old ways. I don't know how to hold tight to Africa and still plug myself back into life here.

Arriving State Side

Well, I left Uganda on May 15th and arrived in JFK on May 16th. The first thing I noticed was on the drive home, most cars had one maybe two passangers. For those of you in Africa, you know that a car would never leave until it was over flowing with at least 9 people in a four door, 12 people in a jeep, and 26 people in a truck. One of many differences I would notice in the first day back.

Toilets, showers, and carpet are luxuries that I had no problem re-adjusting too.

I struggled with jet leg for the first three days home. Went to bed around 1930 and would wake up at 0400. I spent two days at up in New York unpacking and organizing everything. I then got back on a plane to fly to DC where I have been staying for the past week.

Today marks a full week back in the states. I don't have words of wisdom to share. And I am not quite sure what emotions I am battling with. While my mind is constantly back in Uganda, I am enjoying the days here. I have spent the past week excercising and spending down time just preparing my heart for this new direction/focus. I am getting excited to jump into the whirl wind of visiting friends and family. Thanks for your patience with me.

I will be sending out an update real soon!

Jump On In

Hold on! Hear comes the 'flying squirrel' falls! I talked my mom into white water rafting down from the source of the Nile River. It was an intense experience. There were class five falls with a few smaller ones. We got on the water at 0830 and didn't get off until 1630.

I soon realized after the first fall that it is more fun to be outta the boat as we proceed down the falls then in it. They tried to convince me that the goal was to make it thru the fall without tipping or falling out of the boat. I was not convinced - before we even got to the rapids I jumped.
The thrill of it gave me such a high. The power of the waves would suck my body under with a terrifying force. If you fought it then it would take that much longer to surface. I remember being whipped around and just smiling under the water as I relaxed and raced down the Nile.

My mom was hard corps and hung in there with us. The only downer was at certain points we weren't allowed to jump over to swim because of the crocodiles but over all - SWEET!

Charging Chimps

We woke early to begin our Indiana Jones adventure to find the hidden community of chimpanzees. Racing in the brisk morning air, we arrived in just enough time to catch public transportation to Kibale National Forest. Crowding nine people into a small car, we sat on top of each and held our breath as a nice body aroma filled the car. Our guide was waiting for us at the entrance of the trail; he smart fully had on rubber boots. After a mini lecture where he instructed us to not make mimicking noises of the monkeys because we won’t know what we are saying to them…we began our journey.

Within the first ten minutes, I of course stopped right in a red ant hill and started to dance as they bit me. Definitely see where the saying “ants in the pants” come from. This did not distract us from our hunt for chimps though I was a bit uncomfortable. About 35 minutes into our search we came across a friendly quite large chimpanzee! He didn’t seem at all impressed with these noisy tourists following behind him. We tracked through the under bush behind him as he led us to the community of chimpanzees.

Upon our arrival at the community, we were greeted by the second in command as he came charging at us. My mom quickly grasped my arm as he let loose with high pitched screams of terror; I am still trying to perfect just how he sounded to demonstrate for you. He pounded on the tree trunks as he headed our way. Our guide told us to stand our ground and sure enough he charged right past us into the midst of relaxing chimps who quickly scattered at his display of authority. Phew quite thrilling.

After about three hours we were ready to head back. The chimp and I kissed and we departed with no hard feelings. (ps. Aunt Jenn this is not a real chimp unlike that real elephant before. hehe)

The Arrival of Mom

After many days of anxiously awaiting the arrival of my mom, she is finally here in Uganda with me. It is such a thrill to have her here and be able to show her a part of what my life has been like. She packed all her tourist tools including binoculars and a safari hat which is great cause for teasing. The camera has become a permanent extension of her hand. At 130 pictures a day, it is fun to see Fort Portal thru her eyes.

She was quite shocked when she realized my toilet REALLY was a hole in the ground and that toilet paper was scarce. The lizards and rats haven’t seemed to bother her too much; though the rooster crowing constantly around midnight has heightened her dislike of roosters. I just chuckle and sleep right thru.

She has been quite the trooper so far – as we walk all over the village and national forest. She figures between all the walking, hills, and squatting over the hole that she will have great calf muscles when she returns home. With her arrival, it also signals the end of my time here in Uganda. It is as if my home life is now slowly creeping back and invading my life in Africa. It is a balancing act to work thru the excitement of going home among all the sadness of leaving. Today is my last day in Fort Portal (my home here) and tomorrow we will be off to be tourists in Uganda. It will be an opportunity for us to spend five days just seeing all the sites and having a good time. I will post as we travel.

Head Ache?

You think you have problems? This guy had a head full of problems...haha. Yes, I am too corny but this pictures was too good to not post. Welcome to the meat market of Uganda.

The Porcupine

“Mooomm! Nathan is touching me! He is on my side of the car!” While Americans have this invisible two foot bubble that marks their personal space, I have always had a bubble four feet wide. My family can testify to my dislike of hugs, cuddling, unnecessary touching. I have long struggled to demonstrate my love to those who derive their love from physical displays of love. Jokes on me, I was sent to Uganda.

I offered my hand to the first Ugandan I met to give a friendly hand shake – he didn’t let go. As he greeted me and continued to ask about my journey my eyes were glued to his hand still holding onto mine. My heart started pounding, I heard nothing he was saying as I kept asking myself, “why is he still holding my hand, this is awkward, why won’t he let go”. Little did I know this was the first of many attacks that would be made on Katy’s Personal Bubble.

I began to pray daily that God would help me adapt to this cultural where you hugged twice before letting go, you stood to talk with shoulders touching if not mere inches separating your faces, hand holding was as common among girl friends as it was between men. Then a Ugandan explained, “we are can not be private in our lives but we are private with our minds”. They live anywhere from 7-12 people per small compound, privacy is not an option.

As time went on, I realized how true this statement was for most Ugandans at least in their interaction with foreigners especially. While they are always willing to share their money problems they are less likely to share personal struggles. The women would never come and share about the beatings they received at home, the hours they work and the toll it is taking on their bodies, the anger they feel at being raped and given aids, the grief over loosing yet another child to starvation or sickness. The children would never tell of the hunger they feel, how their parents can’t afford to send lunch with them to school, of the responsibility they have for their six younger siblings, of witnessing their father drunkenly abuse his family, of the shame they feel when kicked out of the classroom because they have not paid their school fees. When asked how they are, a scripted line ‘I am fine’ will be recited for their audience.

While I cringed at being constantly touched and the lack of physical space, I was brought to the realization that in this other area I had no problem fitting in. Katy the porcupine. I value my physical space just as much as I value the privacy of my mind and heart. As my frustration grew at the lack of intimate friendships here, God opened my eyes to reveal myself in them.

How can there be a friendship if we are both unwilling to share what is in our minds and heart? I was so eager to hear their struggles but guarded to sharing any of mine. I was unwilling to sacrifice and share what was on my heart because that was just too uncomfortable. I look back at my relationships in America and shamefully see this pattern thru out most of them.

Maybe it is a culture difference, maybe it is just me. But I pray that I will learn to live with an open heart to all those around me. Pray that this porcupine will become a little less guarded to those who have shown her so much love.

My Haven of Love & Pain

I feel empty as I am forced to say goodbyes to these little ones that I have given my full heart to.

They hug me not knowing why I hold them close for just a moment longer. They don’t understand why tears are running down my face but they just smile and keep chattering. To them this is just another day in which I hold and love them. But I can no longer deny that this is the end. I know as I hug them that this is the last time to hold them tight, last time to whisper I love you my little one. And so I linger, one more hug, one more moment.

Oh my Lord, I can’t do it. I play this scene over and over trying to find some peace in saying goodbye. Maybe I can trick my heart into believing I will see them the next day, “no heart, you don’t have to say goodbye just yet”. Maybe it can be fooled. Maybe I won’t have to feel this pain.

But if I do…Lord please give me the strength to heal.

Will they be remembered?

Will I remember…
Remember their names?
Remember their eager faces?
Remember the feel of their hand in mine?
Remember the weightlessness of their body in my arms?
Remember the sound of their voices calling my name?
Remember the unending love they offered me?
Remember the tears I cried over the loss of even one innocent child?
Remember the unmarked graves where they are laid to rest?

Or will I forget…
Forget to tell their stories?
Forget the sound of their laughter?
Forget the feel of their arms around my neck?
Forget the sickness and death I have seen?
Forget the piercing pain I have felt?
Forget the love I have experienced?
Forget the prayers I have promised?

Time has a way of dulling the ache and offering healing…but will time also wash away my memories of the love and pain so intertwined in the country of Uganda?

Last Day before Exams

Yes, this is just one of my classes - P3. Aiyay, it doesn't feel this big in class but looking at this photo it seems as if there are so many! Today was our last day of classes before we begin end of term exams.

Smiles All Around

Yes, even with the heart ache that I write about – a day does not pass without my heart racing in excitement. I write about the struggles and forget to shout about the triumphs, the laughter, the smiles!

I get my daily dose of medicine when I hear the children giggle, the babies chuckle, and see the simple smiles of joy from strangers.

Don’t forget to enjoy life today – smile!

Guardian Angels

Prishilla, my first adopted baby, is very sick please pray. She has HIV and also tuberculosis. She is the first baby I held when I arrived day one at the babies home. I love to tease her and call her princess because once she is in my lap she hates to share me with the other children. She is extra skinny and can’t walk but she is so beautiful when she smiles as I sing “you are my sunshine” or “the itsy bitsy spider”. They switched her medication last week and her body is struggling to adjust. She has lost weight she didn’t have, throws up if we try and feed her, and today could barely lift her arms to be held. I laid and rocked her tiny body praying to God to give me her pain. It was like holding a space heater close to my chest as the heat radiated from her body. Guardian angels stand strong around my baby’s bed tonight please.

Living in the Moment

Ever know that there is something wrong, you are upset but can’t quite pin-point why exactly?

Hints of goodbye linger in the air here. I can feel the pressure of that word – goodbye – closing in tightly. Moving around often should qualify me as an expert at saying goodbye, but as many of you know, great lengths will be made on my part to avoid the scene of farewell.

I am feeling the tiny strings from the real world hooking into my skin and slowly dragging me back. As I struggle to plan my few weeks off (in the states) before reporting to training, my breathe catches and I shake my dizzy head. Will I be ready to jump back in immediately or will I seek solitude to slowly re-adjust?! At this point, I have no clue.

I am slipping back into the fast paced river of life....whoa slow down! As I went for my run yesterday, I paused to just take a breath and look around me. To remember how amazing it is that God has brought me to this wonderful country of Uganda. To live my last weeks here with my thoughts, emotions, and heart focused on my work in Uganda.

My Heart is Screaming

My heart feels so weary, my emotions so raw, I want to walk away from this pain, this heart ache. Not just walk away – run, run as fast as I can. And yet, I draw closer and embrace it.

No no no no no God not this baby, not this one. I loved this one so much. WHY?! If I could have just had one more day to hold, hug, kiss, love him!

I take comfort in knowing that he is with you in a much better place but oh God why did you have to take him so soon? It hurts so much that tears fail to fall, as if they are trapped in the moment of a silent scream. Tremors shake my body as if an earthquake is mocking my pain and weakness.

Not this one, not this baby that I allowed myself to love so utterly. A cast away that won my heart the first time I laid eyes on him. The baby that I day dreamed of adopting and making my own. The baby named Innocent because he was found on the street abandoned. Innocent of all the hate in the world.

I don’t know how to survive this. TIME stop ticking – stop your endless ticking!! My spirit has not healed yet, I need more time before opening myself up to love again.

My heart is screaming and my throat aches to wail, but I just lean down and pick up one of the many other babies crying to be loved.

A Recipe for a Friend

A Recipe for a Friend

Two ears to listen
Two scoops quirks for fun
The biggest heart you can find for love
Three cups humor for laughs
One brain for smarts
One million megawatts for smile
Endless taste for shopping buds
Two arms for hugs
One teaspoon sass
Four cups compassion for understanding
One amazing soul

Blend well for many days, easy, tough and long until completely inseparable. Bake 1 year in Bancroft Hall at 400 degrees stress and fun. Garnish with cuteness. Live forever as best pals!

- Kat

Save me, I feel old!

Oh yes, as I blew my running nose in a desperate attempt to clear all fluids for the zillionth try, a group of young singers walked past. I mumbled to myself that they were probably too young and I was too old. For those of you who, like me, have forgotten how old I am – a ripe 21. I, for all of ten seconds, considered following them to watch the local concert and see the night crowd. (I hardly go to town at night because it can be dangerous traveling to/from my house in the village) And so, instead I went to the market, gathered my vegetables and got myself home before dark.

Strangely, until this day I had yet to miss the social life of a young twenty something year old. You would think that being surrounded by kids of all ages would keep a soul young carefree… but being responsible for these children changes everything. When one of my students fails a test, I feel like I have failed them. When one of my babies turns into a little bully, I feel like I have failed to hug him enough. When one of my students refuses to obey, I feel as if I have failed to be strict enough. When one of my babies dies, I feel like I have failed to love and pray enough for them. God has given me this awesome responsibility of taking care of some of His precious children. What an honor, that I strive to live up to. What a comfort to know that He only gives what He has enabled me to handle and He’ll take care of the rest.

So as to my lack of a social life, well there will be time in the future but the carefree young twenty something blanket will from now on be threaded with the knowledge of my responsibilities to those around me.

(day at a theme park – on my list of things to do when I get back…can’t wait to be twenty something again)