Terrified

The last received communication from the academy stated, "The Readmission Academic Board will not be held in Feb due to conflicts on the Supe's calendar. I was not given a new date for the Board." Recently I was asked why in the past few weeks I didn't seem frantic over my re-acceptance into the Naval Academy. I hesitated then proclaimed that of course God is in control of it.

Days later, the question continued to bounce around in my head. This year began ith anxious prayers, begging God to re-open the doors to the Academy. Every other thought was a plead to God...and then one day the urgency, the anxiety left. I told myself that God had given me a peace in knowing that no matter the outcome it would be His will for me.

This past week, I realized the truth. After being told enough times, 'of course you'll get back in' I bought into it. I stopped thinking that God was in control and I needed His help. Yesterday, I read that it is easier to talk about faith than it is to live it, how true for my life. It is so easy for me to say that I know God is in control, I trust Him, want to do His will whatever that may be. But let me be gut wrenching honest with you- I am terrified.

Frightened that God's will is not for me to return to the place I have worked my whole young life for. Scared to even consider plan B and where that might take me. Distressed to think of never returning to a place and way of life that I have grown to love. Afraid of letting down my family and friends. Fearful of the unknown.

It is so easy to say that I have faith in God's plan for my life but how often I forget that my plans are not always God's plans. So I ask you to pray for me, not that I get back into the Academy but that my heart will once again desire to do His will no matter where it takes me. That I will consider it all joy, when I encounter trails, knowing that it is the testing of my faith in God. Pray that my heart will be filled with a true sense of peace and not rued by fear and doubt.