My Haven of Love & Pain

I feel empty as I am forced to say goodbyes to these little ones that I have given my full heart to.

They hug me not knowing why I hold them close for just a moment longer. They don’t understand why tears are running down my face but they just smile and keep chattering. To them this is just another day in which I hold and love them. But I can no longer deny that this is the end. I know as I hug them that this is the last time to hold them tight, last time to whisper I love you my little one. And so I linger, one more hug, one more moment.

Oh my Lord, I can’t do it. I play this scene over and over trying to find some peace in saying goodbye. Maybe I can trick my heart into believing I will see them the next day, “no heart, you don’t have to say goodbye just yet”. Maybe it can be fooled. Maybe I won’t have to feel this pain.

But if I do…Lord please give me the strength to heal.

Will they be remembered?

Will I remember…
Remember their names?
Remember their eager faces?
Remember the feel of their hand in mine?
Remember the weightlessness of their body in my arms?
Remember the sound of their voices calling my name?
Remember the unending love they offered me?
Remember the tears I cried over the loss of even one innocent child?
Remember the unmarked graves where they are laid to rest?

Or will I forget…
Forget to tell their stories?
Forget the sound of their laughter?
Forget the feel of their arms around my neck?
Forget the sickness and death I have seen?
Forget the piercing pain I have felt?
Forget the love I have experienced?
Forget the prayers I have promised?

Time has a way of dulling the ache and offering healing…but will time also wash away my memories of the love and pain so intertwined in the country of Uganda?

Last Day before Exams

Yes, this is just one of my classes - P3. Aiyay, it doesn't feel this big in class but looking at this photo it seems as if there are so many! Today was our last day of classes before we begin end of term exams.

Smiles All Around

Yes, even with the heart ache that I write about – a day does not pass without my heart racing in excitement. I write about the struggles and forget to shout about the triumphs, the laughter, the smiles!

I get my daily dose of medicine when I hear the children giggle, the babies chuckle, and see the simple smiles of joy from strangers.

Don’t forget to enjoy life today – smile!

Guardian Angels

Prishilla, my first adopted baby, is very sick please pray. She has HIV and also tuberculosis. She is the first baby I held when I arrived day one at the babies home. I love to tease her and call her princess because once she is in my lap she hates to share me with the other children. She is extra skinny and can’t walk but she is so beautiful when she smiles as I sing “you are my sunshine” or “the itsy bitsy spider”. They switched her medication last week and her body is struggling to adjust. She has lost weight she didn’t have, throws up if we try and feed her, and today could barely lift her arms to be held. I laid and rocked her tiny body praying to God to give me her pain. It was like holding a space heater close to my chest as the heat radiated from her body. Guardian angels stand strong around my baby’s bed tonight please.

Living in the Moment

Ever know that there is something wrong, you are upset but can’t quite pin-point why exactly?

Hints of goodbye linger in the air here. I can feel the pressure of that word – goodbye – closing in tightly. Moving around often should qualify me as an expert at saying goodbye, but as many of you know, great lengths will be made on my part to avoid the scene of farewell.

I am feeling the tiny strings from the real world hooking into my skin and slowly dragging me back. As I struggle to plan my few weeks off (in the states) before reporting to training, my breathe catches and I shake my dizzy head. Will I be ready to jump back in immediately or will I seek solitude to slowly re-adjust?! At this point, I have no clue.

I am slipping back into the fast paced river of life....whoa slow down! As I went for my run yesterday, I paused to just take a breath and look around me. To remember how amazing it is that God has brought me to this wonderful country of Uganda. To live my last weeks here with my thoughts, emotions, and heart focused on my work in Uganda.

My Heart is Screaming

My heart feels so weary, my emotions so raw, I want to walk away from this pain, this heart ache. Not just walk away – run, run as fast as I can. And yet, I draw closer and embrace it.

No no no no no God not this baby, not this one. I loved this one so much. WHY?! If I could have just had one more day to hold, hug, kiss, love him!

I take comfort in knowing that he is with you in a much better place but oh God why did you have to take him so soon? It hurts so much that tears fail to fall, as if they are trapped in the moment of a silent scream. Tremors shake my body as if an earthquake is mocking my pain and weakness.

Not this one, not this baby that I allowed myself to love so utterly. A cast away that won my heart the first time I laid eyes on him. The baby that I day dreamed of adopting and making my own. The baby named Innocent because he was found on the street abandoned. Innocent of all the hate in the world.

I don’t know how to survive this. TIME stop ticking – stop your endless ticking!! My spirit has not healed yet, I need more time before opening myself up to love again.

My heart is screaming and my throat aches to wail, but I just lean down and pick up one of the many other babies crying to be loved.