Here to Stay

As I danced among the waves late last night on a barren beach, I was hit with the reality that I am back to stay. This summer is not just a long vacation and I will not soon be heading home to Uganda. I literally stumbled and fell on the beach as this realization hit my heart. My head has known all along but my heart always lags behind.

Week after week of military training has begun to wear me down to the core. I anxiously look forward to the end. But at the end, I will just move on to one more couch, borrowed bed. I miss my own home. My little cottage in Uganda where I could escape too.

As I played with my nephews this weekend, my arms ached to be holding my African babies so far away. Often people ask if I have someone who updates me on how the babies are doing....I don't. As much as I long to hear about each one, I know that it would just kill me to know that anything has happened to them. I confess to wanting to live in a fairytale of pretending nothing there will change while I am gone. I don't want to know if one has died or if more have joined the babies home.

I could write endlessly. My head and heart seems to journey further away each day. I am overwhelmed and sinking with all that I have yet to deal with and grieve. I feel myself pulling away from everyone around me. I see it happening and yet don't know how to stop it. I want to scream at each one who complains, gossips, worries over little things....and yet I find myself getting pulled into these old ways. I don't know how to hold tight to Africa and still plug myself back into life here.